It's All About ME

I recently took Little E to the doctor for a checkup. My plan was simple. Go to the doctor, get her weighed, measured, and checked out, then drive to the county health department to get her immunizations caught up since we're a little behind on those right now. We got there on time and they were running behind. We had a good half-hour playing in the children's waiting area and she was in a good mood. Then we got back to the room and while she wasn't thrilled to be weighed, we did it and she checked out well.

I'd forgotten that the doctor had wanted to check her for anemia, so we went to the lab for a blood draw. That was traumatic. First they had to find a vein in her arm by checking both arms. Then the vein they tried kept rolling around and they couldn't get it. Finally, after trying to look for another good vein in her arms, I asked if we couldn't try getting it from her heel. Luckily, her heels were still soft enough, so after using a warm compress to draw the blood to her heel, they were able to prick it and squeeze out the blood they needed to do the necessary tests. Little E screamed and cried almost the entire time.

Now what would you do? My husband was watching our other children, so it would have been so easy to just take her to get her three/four more shots. Then we'd be all caught up. If I did it another day, I'd probably have to take all my children with me to the health department. It would be easier for me to do it now. She's still little, she'd be okay, right?

I decided to wait. She probably would have been fine, but why put her through more pain today, just to be convenient for me.

I think we face those kinds of decisions all of the time during our lives. Is what I want more important than what others want or need right now?

I've been thinking lately about how certain problems in our society stem from people deciding that what they want is more important than what others need or want. The first one that comes to mind is the current financial market crisis. The situation is complex, but it seems that at least part of the problems come from people choosing to get what they want instead of getting what they could actually afford. It also comes from people choosing to get what they want by encouraging others to buy what they can't afford.

Another problem is no-fault divorces. I'm not talking about people who have legitimate reasons to divorce, like, for example, abusive marriages. I'm talking about people who choose to divorce amicably because they've grown apart, fell out of love, or some other excuse to break up. It's more difficult when there are children involved because the parents don't know or choose to ignore the decades of research that show that divorce has many negative, long-term effects on everyone involved, especially the children.

Abortion, road rage, child abuse and neglect, intolerance, greed, impatience, rudeness. In fact, I think that almost all problems come from someone or some group thinking that their needs and wants are more important than someone else's. I suppose it can seem only natural. It's built into us from birth. Babies and little children are selfish, in part, to make sure they are taken care of. But, part of the process of growing up and becoming an adult is learning that you are not the most important thing on this planet. That is why we teach children things like how to share, that hurting others is wrong, and how to work together and help others.

I'm reminded of the end of the movie, Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. (If I'm spoiling anything, I apologize, but the movie is over 25 years old. :) ) One of the main characters, Spock, gives his life to save the rest of the ship. As he is dying, he explains to his friend, Admiral Kirk, why he did it. He says, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, or the one."

I think that to change most of the problems in our lives and to find happiness, we need to stop spending so much time focusing on our personal needs and look outside of ourselves to those around us. I believe that this starts with our families since these should be the people that are the closest to us and as such we can have the most impact. After we take care of our families, we can then more easily help others around us at work, church, or in our communities because we have a place where we can rest from our other worries.

Focusing first on our families' needs can be difficult since we see them in all moods and with all their faults. However, it has been my experience that when I focus on the needs of those in my family first, they are happier, I am happier, and many of my needs are actually met. I've also noticed that for myself, I have a harder time thinking of others' needs when I'm really involved in my own interests like reading, checking my e-mail groups, or talking on the phone. I find that when I'm deeply involved in my stuff, whatever it is, and someone comes to me with a need, I'm more impatient, more easily frustrated, and ultimately dissatisfied. I'm recognizing that in order to want to think of others' needs first, I need to be more selective when I choose to do my stuff, so I'm not so distracted by my concerns.

So where is the positive in all of this? The positive is that we can change, that I can change. I don't think I'm being too selfish most of the time, but I would like to be better. I can choose to find ways to think more about others than myself. I can choose to work on my interests at times when I won't be needed to help others. I can choose to focus my energies on helping my family members rather than satisfying my desires more often. I can be happier when I do these things because I've seen it work.

Seeking the Positive As A Wife

I am posting a link to an article by Orson Scott Card titled, "Bad wife or just a busy one?" from mormontimes.com. I had to smile as I read it because it just sounds so familiar. Enjoy.

Things I Love About My Faith: The Plan of Salvation

Today I taught the women at my church. I haven't had the opportunity to teach adults for a while, so I enjoyed it. The lesson was on the plan of salvation as revealed through Joseph Smith. As I prepared to teach, I realized that this was one of the things I love about my faith. God has a plan for us. Not only that, but He has told us why we are here in the first place. God revealed to Moses that His work and His glory was "to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man." (Moses 1:39)

We are taught that we lived before we were born and that Jesus Christ was chosen as the Savior of the world as part of the plan to return us to the presence of God. We are here on this earth because we chose to accept that plan. We were given bodies to allow us to gain knowledge and experience and to have moral agency, the opportunity to choose good over evil. As we choose to follow God's plan by having faith in Jesus Christ and keeping His commandments, we will, one day, return to live in the presence of God.

If you want to understand what I'm talking about in more detail, please click here.

Why Gender Matters

I recently read a book that documents studies that show the biological and neurological differences between boys and girls and men and women. It's called, "Why Gender Matters," by Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D. He is a major advocate of same-sex schooling and there were many things I found very interesting, especially since I'm teaching both girls and boys in my family.

Did you know that girls' eyes have more cells that are best adapted to detect color and texture, whereas boys' eyes have more cells that are best adapted to detect location, direction, and speed? So when little girls draw pictures, they draw nouns like flowers, trees, and people using lots of colors and little boys draw pictures with action using fewer colors like black, blue, gray, and silver.

That's just one of the biological differences. Men and women have different brain structures. Boys and girls develop different parts of their brains at different times, so if girls are developmentally ready for reading, for example, boys may not yet be ready. I found it fascinating.

I also read Dr. Sax's subsequent book called "Boys Adrift," detailing the reasons he's found that boys and men in our generation are generally not succeeding as well as girls. These factors include our current gender-neutral educational system, video games, and endocrine disruptors.

I encourage anyone who has children, especially those who have boys, to read these books. They definitely gave me food for thought. If you want to learn more, I'll put the links to these two books below.

http://www.whygendermatters.com/

http://www.boysadrift.com/

Nighttime Parenting

The other night, as I was rocking Little E back to sleep, I was thinking about parenting and babies and how grateful I was to have that time with my baby. Yes, it was late. Yes, I was tired, but I know from experience that it won't last much longer, so I chose to enjoy it.

I believe that parents are the first teachers of a child and that their example as parents has a major influence on how a child views God as a parent since He is our Heavenly Father. I also believe that if we want to develop the attributes of God and become like Him, part of that development includes how we parent our own children since He is the ultimate parenting example.

When a baby cries out and a parent stops whatever he or she is doing to care for and hold that child, I wonder if, in a small way, the child learns more how a loving Father could take care of his needs whenever he cries out in prayer. I also wonder if the parent learns in some small way how better to be more like our Father by sacrificing his or her current needs for that child.

What does this have to do with seeking the positive? Being a parent is hard work, especially at night. I get less sleep. I get to sleep, at times, in less comfortable places. I have less time to pursue my own interests. But what do I gain? I get to hold a baby in my arms and help her feel loved and secure. I get to watch my baby sleep while we rock together and relax. I get to feel her snuggle in and feel gratified that she wants to be closer to me. Of course there are times when I long for the day when my baby will sleep through the night, but I also recognize that it won't last forever. In the meantime, I hope that I'm making memories and impressions that will last a lifetime for me and my baby.

Things I Love About My Faith: Respecting Other Faiths

"We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." (11th Article of Faith of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints)

One of the things I appreciate about my faith is that we are taught to respect the beliefs of others. We are taught to appreciate the eternal truths that are found in other faiths and work to build on our commonalities, not our differences with others. That's how Jesus Christ taught. He didn't rip apart the belief systems of those who were trying to do what was right and tell them they were eternally damned, but He started with what they believed that was actually true and then added more knowledge and information to help them understand His teachings.

Understanding and respecting the beliefs of others helps me see that most of us in the world are good people trying to do what we believe is right. I think it can help us see each other as brothers and sisters, children of God, and work together to make life better for everyone.

Traveling Without My Husband

A couple of weeks ago, I had the thought to ask my husband if it would help him finish his master's thesis if I were to take the children and myself to visit my parents in another state. He thought about it and said it would, so within four days of that suggestion, I was on the road with our four children.

I am extremely grateful that we have family along the way who have been willing to let us stay with them and that the cousins are glad to play with each other. It also helps since I'm the only driver and having a place to stop means I only have to drive 4-6 hours a day instead of the whole 11-13 hours, not including stops. I'm also grateful for my parents who let us stay with them at the last minute.

We head back home in a couple of days and my main motivation will be to see my husband. We all miss him. I've learned how much I depend on his help with our children, especially at bedtime and when A has a hard time. I'm glad that God designed the family to have a mother and a father so that they could work together to raise their children and I've just grown to appreciate it more these last few days. Hooray for families!